Hey everyone! It’s been awhile; I missed last week’s Wednesday post. Now, I could say that I missed it because I was traveling–which is true!–but to be honest, I actually had this post on being a Silver Falchion Finalist in my drafts folder.
What I mean is, I could have written and scheduled this post to go live while I was gone; in fact, I meant to. But this is a tough one to write . . .
In part because it really should not be. Beauty and the Alchemist was a finalist for this year’s prestigious Silver Falchion award in Fantasy; that is awesome!! It’s wonderful news, and I’m honestly quite grateful for the recognition. I should be proud to share it.
But–did you hear that “should”?
Bookish accolades are difficult to put in context. It feels a little bit like acing a test in a school where no one is at the same grade level. Some of my friends took this class years ago, some have already graduated with their PhD, even, and others have only just begun and this test isn’t even on their radar yet. And explaining the test before explaining my grade starts to feel a little pedantic–or overly prideful, since I didn’t actually get the highest score. It all gets confusing, especially for someone who tends to be hard on herself already.
I’ve been sitting on this post for a week now, trying to figure out how it ends. The truth is, in any endeavor, sometimes it’s hard to be happy where you are. Sometimes it feels lonely to need to explain things; sometimes it’s disappointing to be only a finalist, not the best; sometimes it feels silly to have to give yourself a pep talk after you technically won an award. Part of the problem, I think, is pride. Both not wanting to be seen as too proud, and also secretly being a little too proud at the same time.
“Pride” can be defined as taking pleasure in one’s achievements (“I won an award, I want to share the news!”), but also as having an excessively high opinion of oneself (“but maybe I should have done more or won a better award?”). Like everything else, it’s a balance.
I think I’ve been sitting on this fence long enough. I’m going to hop down and err on the side of modest pride (can that be a thing? 🙂 ). I did really well on this test; and while all my friends are at different levels, and some have done better and some have done entirely different things, the fact of the matter is that we’re all doing something worthwhile. And that thought can help me be happy right where I am. 😉
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